Only a mothe r could love this liver
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
