I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
