We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
