was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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