it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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