I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
