considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
