omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
