I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
