Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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