Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
