if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
