I got chris browned last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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