Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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