If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
