Don't make out with my wife yet
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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