please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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