she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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