I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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