They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
