its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
