morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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