see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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