And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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