omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
