I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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