If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
