When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
