We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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