I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
