I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
