dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
