I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
