im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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