God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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