just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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