my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
