I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I cut my penus on the lid.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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