why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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