I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
