when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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