***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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