You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
