I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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