My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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