the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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