i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
