We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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