I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
it's great music for shaving your balls
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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