It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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