dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
