Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
