In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
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No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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