I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
