Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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