The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
