I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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