it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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